Things don always end with a full-stop. Most often it never ends at all. Then out of the blue the past comes back to bite u in the ass. Maybe it never meant to end n will always cause fear n pain everytime it is brought up. So what can be done to make it all better? Will a full confession bring closure or more betrayal n pain? I really don't know but this is my confession...

Where shall I start? The beginning or when I really screwed up?

THE PAST
When I was with KH, it wasn't something I really wanted. Initially it was juz the fact that everyone was having a bf so I wanted one. He came along coz I was tired of waiting for the other person who juz didnt want to make the first step. Things then got better, feelings developed n I did find myself liking him. I really didnt expect things to stay for long given his track record of ex-gfs. A year went by n the unthinkable happened, KH did something which totally crushed my faith in him. but somehow we got back together n pretended that everything was all well. However I know that deep in my heart things were different as I couldnt trust him as I did previously. After that we moved on to study in NP. Things were alright. We were getting by quite OK. Then I got to know back someone I used to know. The excitement of knowing someone new got the better of me and I found myself liking this other person. All this while I was still with KH. I told KH abt how I felt for the other guy. Instead of trying to jolt me back into reality, he sort of praise the other guy being such a wonderful guy. Being myself I began to think that maybe that the other guy would be someone better for me. However it wasn't the case. Soon KH began to fall for another girl. I was actually OK with all that until he wrote some things that totally pised me off. At that point I decided to be really revengeful. Eventhough I had began to like someone real close, I did everything I could to make sure that he didn't end up with that girl. We got back together but things were just pretty much all over the place. At one point after we got back together, KH did something again and the reason he gave was that I was too busy with werk and didnt have time for him. That was the most I could take from him. After that point u cud say that the fire in our relationship died out, at least on my side. but I just stayed behind because it was the easiest way out. Then KH was off to NS, and I was given the kind of freedom that I have never had before as I didnt get to see him that often. Being exposed to different people made me decide that it won't do me any good. Incidently at the same time I got to know Haikal who was someone really different. He changed my perspective on life and became really close. It was never my intention to start anything with Haikal. It was also not on his mind. The thought of us getting into a relationship never occured. Not me nor him thought about it. We were indeed close somewhere in between friends and a couple. He made me feel free and let go of certain things in life. People aound may think that HAikal was the reason me and KH didnt end up together. I think even KH thought so but it really wasnt the case. Haikal came at a point in my life and he changed me.As a result I did the unthinkable. I broke up with KH for real. I know I did things that really hurt KH a whole lot. But thing didnt happen on purpose coz they just did.

THE PRESENT
Now I'm with Nazry. Things have never been better for me. Somehow when we started going out, everything just happened. He became someone whom I could really depend on and trust. Things between us progressed very very fast and I somehow fell in love with him. He was a stranger to me initially but now he is somehow very precious to me. Things were ok until recently. I will admit it was my fault for getting to know A. And I really didn't think it was a big deal to Nazry. However it was a big issue for him n words were said without thinking. Trust issues came up and we both find ourselves frustrated at each other at times. But gradually things are getting better. But sometimes Nazry would say things that really hurt. Done purposely or not I do not know. Maybe it's his way of getting back at me. It will soon be  2 years for us. And I pray that there will be more to come till the day I die. Like they said there is a soulmate for everyone of us and I'm lucky to have found mine in him. I'm just waiting for THE DAY. I know I am ready to be a wife and mother and I'm really confident that Nazry can take care of me and our kids..

THE FUTURE
Who can ever know what will happen in the future? Maybe thats the beauty of life. U can never really understand how it happens and works. It just happens and it is really up to us to make it as how we want it to be. However life will never be a bed of roses or tulips smelling so nicely everytime. It never meant to be that way. We will always meet crossroads in our life and the path that we choose will determine how we proceed in life. Anyone can choose to dwell in the past and thus will always be haunted by their "ghost" or somehow they can make that difficult step of being aware of their mistakes, seek forgiveness and try to move on in life and be a better person. Who cares what other may think. What matters most is what u think about urself.

It has really been a long time since I last updated. Just a quick update on the recent happenings.

I'm currently on my holidays before starting school back in January. The past 5 months or so has been spent on attachment at Sulzer Chemtech. The people there are nice but the work was horrible. It wasn't too hard but I was stuck doing drawings day in and out. Imagine sitting in front of the computer for almost 8 hours a day juz doing AutoCAD drawings. It doesn't help that much when I have no idea what im drawing. On a whole it did benefitted me however I was happy that it was over.Probably will miss the gang of Alvan & Ziyi & the rest...

When January comes, I'll be in my 4th year and hence the dreaded FYP. It really doesn't help that I have no idea what to do. The given list is so confusing and I'm really at a loss of what to do. FYP aside, I still need to complete my modules. Will be taking 6 modules this coming semester. Actually I'm a bit nervous about starting school again. Hopefully everything will go smoothly now that its the end.

2 of my cousins got married these past 2 months. First was Noraini who got married in November and just last week was Nur Kamaliah. Both weddings were wonderful. I love weddings. It gives me a chance to catch up with all my other cousins on the latest happenings in their lives. Also i get to see all my nieces n nephew. So chubby n cute. I made my nephew cry by biting his chubby cheeks. They were just irresistable.

I'm thinking of going back to Melacca with my granny. Just the two of us as I want to visit my gramps tomb. I just missed him so much now. Just an overwhelming feeling of missing him. Sometimes I really wished he hadn't left me when I was so young. I wished he could see me now and tell me how proud he is of me. I want him to make things better...

Yesterday Naz said something that I hadn't thought of for a very long time. How old is he now? Is he starting school already? What if one day he comes knocking on my door? Will I turn him away or will i welcome him in? He is afterall an innocent boy. How should I deal with that reality? No matter what others said he is still part of me. What should I do. I'm really not ready for all that. With all the natural disasters that is happening there, I really wonder if he is safe? I just hope he is happy n well. Hope that this Christmas will be a little better for him...

Naz and me are kind of in a bit of a rough patch. I really didn't think things will turn out this way. I really hope things will be better. It really hurts when things are said without being given any thought as sometimes you can never take back what you already said no matter how sorry you are.Nothing is ever that simple. Everything is complicated and without thinking, words just adds to the confusion..

IM BACK...

Its been sometime since i last wrote anything...
been couped up at home most of the time right now n im going to go crazy with nothing to do at all..bro is gone n now its only me n mum at home coz she's on MC.. bro is in Indonesia for the Red Cross humanitarian mission while mum had juz had her'trigger finger' fixed n is on leave till next week...its good dat she gets to stay at home n relax but its killing me coz she expects me to stay at home with her all the time...gosh it really kills me coz even when i go out, she keeps calling me to go home.. arrgghh!!! times like this i really miss my bro as he will let me go out at times...

i passed all my exams this semester, things are really picking up for me now... decided to take 'biomedical n biochemical engineering' for my specilization... really excited about it... but now in not really sure about which project to take coz there's a  few that really caught my interest... juz have to wait n see... initially, i was given Seagate for my attachment company... however the company pulled out of the programme at the last minute... in the end i had chosen Sulzer Chemtech in Tuas to do my attachment as most of the other choices were kinda diff.. i will most probably be doing some engineering drawings, something that i can handle... the only frustrating thing is that its at Tuas n i have to travel everyday there..if only i getto stay nearer...hmm, maybe i shud jus stay over at Naz's place so it will be easier for me..that a good idea....

it was really a bad day for me yesterday... kinda frustrated at things n how they turn out... especially wen its so near n yet i don't get to see Naz at all... to make things worse, i tot of it again, i really miss it... yesterday was my 'emo' day...i wish it wud juz disappear...

today was a different story as i met up with Naz... it was lots of fun... did things that we haven done for sometime now...it was great n i really mean that... absences does make the heart grow fonder... we both went for a haircut again... its shorter for me n super short for him... he loves it but im not too thrilled about it but he still looks great... i really hope that things change for the better for us both, can't wait for the day that we dream of to come, when everything will be right... hopefully the sooner the better...

love...

i know its been ages since i last wrote anything...
im on holiday right now n school doesn't start till 10 july...
its pretty long n draggy...
i can't wait till then coz i will be on attachy...
yup yup..attachment again..
hopefully it will be as cool as the previous experience...
im not really sure where it will be...
only on june that i will get to find out...

early this month i voted...
yeap yeap...first time voting...
i muz really say the whole experience is somewhat enlightening..
and nope u won't get to find out who i voted for...
coz i don really think its necessary to let everyone knows about it...

so what am i doin during the holidays??
basically lots of sleeping and eating...
and also i got tuition...
so that helps to fill up my time...

the bf now is so into trailing...
i don not mind and in fact i encourage it...
its a form of exercise for him...
however i do get worried sometimmes when he come back with aches n bruises...
im also seeing lesser of him...
he's working everyday from 8-6 except on weekends...
after dat its off to school...
leaving me sometimes feeling frustrated as i have nothing to do...
also at times when we meet upduring the weekends he wud be too tired from the week to do anything...

like on saturday, i was really frustrated with him...
however he managed to cool me down with some mango strudel...
i really love him...
n i like that mango strudel alot alot...
we r goin to have it again this weekend...
n i have a surprise for him this weekend too...

oh yah...meena got engaged...
she n rock are getting fatter everyday...
hee...
most of her clothes don fit rite now n she super pissed at that fact...
one thing i can say to her is buy more new clothes...hee

early this month i went shopping..hee...
progress package...
i bought a few stuff...
this one i love the most...

PS..I am missing the lost one...

shorter again